One of women’s biggest sexual challenges today is that society still uses the male model of sexual response for us; in spite of the fact that we function differently. What I mean by the “male model” dates back to Dr. Sigmund Freud and 18th century prudery. His cockamamie theory was: All forms of clitoral stimulation were infantile and a mature woman would be able to transfer pleasure sensations to her vagina. Today Pious Christians, Mormons as well as Orthodox Jews demand this because it’s the procreative model. It’s also what most people think of as “real sex.”
Contemporary porn also focuses on vaginal, anal or oral penetration with a penis. Let’s face it women: Most men want to get inside one of our orifices for their climax. BUT it’s not the best way for us to have our orgasms. My recommendation for teen girls or women beginning to explore their bodies is to start by focusing entirely on clitoral stimulation beginning with their own private masturbation. Once your orgasms are in place, you can share that information with a lover.
The first step is to view your vulva in a mirror that stands alone to free both your hands. You will need some organic massage oil and a good light source. Begin with an overall vulva massage. Next hold your outer lips open. Then pull the hood up to expose the clitoral glans. It seems a cruel trick of Mother Nature to have our clits above the vagina, but she gave us a mightily endowed little sex organ with its 8,000 nerve endings.
Avoid direct contact with your clitoral glans. It’s best to begin using just your hands, but if you use a vibrator, do not put it in one place. Keep moving it around above, below and to either side of your clitoris. Never press down harder to get more sensation! Your clitoris will shut down. To increase sensation use pelvic rocking and breathing out loud— I call it the “Rock ‘n Roll Orgasm.
Far too many women brutalize their sweet clitorises by using a vibrator like a jack hammer demanding results! No wonder our clits go into pain mode or refuse to respond. We cannot demand an orgasm! Anyone with an obsessive orgasm quest rarely enjoys any of the good feelings during a build-up. Please don’t leave your first orgasm up to your partner who knows less about your body than you do. Each of us does better when we discover our own orgasms through masturbation and then share that information with our lovers.
Otherwise, he will do what he likes which is once again, the male model of sexual response: A few minutes of foreplay and then it’s a dive for the vaginal opening. Most women need up to an hour of clitoral stimulation to be fully turned on. He’s getting what he wants long before her internal clitoris gets plumped up. (link to diagram) Women have nearly as much erectile tissue as men only ours is internal. Unfortunately most guys are circumcised which means they need friction to get and keep an erection and many come too fast. The old image of foreplay to get a woman turned on doesn’t work for all of us. Most women want clitoral stimulation throughout intercourse similar to what a man gets. That’s why so many women prefer oral sex if her lover has pussy licking skills.
The number one sex toy is some kind of additional lubrication. Although some women believe “being wet” is analogous to a man “getting hard” our own vaginal lubrication can dry out too quickly. Besides, a woman can be very excited and remain vaginally dry for many reasons; nerves, fear, diet, drugs, repression, and menopause to name a few. The use of some kind of lubricant for every type of vulva touching including all forms of penetration will deliver maximum pleasure. Get some kind of organic oil like coconut or almond found in health food stores. If a couple is using condoms, a water based lube is required as oil will break down latex. When water based lubes get sticky, just add a few drops of water.
A good beginning vibrator is the Mystic Wand used on the low setting. The Eroscillator is also good on low. If you have a Magic Wand, I suggest some fabric be placed between your clitoris and the vibrator. Or put a nice thick sports sock on the head of the Wand for a softer vibe. The vibrator in the drawing is the old Panabrator that's no longer available. It pre-dates the Magic Wand.
The Rabbit vibrator has both a shaft for vaginal penetration and a small rabbit on the side for clitoral stimulation. This is my least favorite toy for many reasons. The first one is when I want clitoral stimulation; I must have the shaft all the way inside my vagina. For a beginner this can be far too big a challenge. I also resent the fact that full vaginal penetration is required in order to get the clitoral vibe in the right place. Once you have your clitoral orgasms in place, vaginal penetration can be added later on. Go to our sex shop to learn about our current favorite toys.
The vagina is very flexible but not in the beginning. This is where the Pelvic Floor or PC muscle exercises come in. To strengthen them, squeeze the muscles tight and release them. Think Yoga exercises when we stretch and hold tight and then release the muscles while exhaling. Or if they are too tight, the squat will lengthen and relax them. After you are sufficiently turned on, which will be more than a few minutes of clitoral contact, you can begin to explore slow vaginal penetration. A good beginning dildo can be a zucchini or carrot pared down to a size that feels the most comfortable.
The romantic image of HIM giving HER an orgasm is still a male obsession and continues in spite of the fact that most young men have no idea what to do other than what he likes— the male model of sex once again. She ends up faking an orgasm to end the session or to avoid hurting his feelings. We must take control of our own orgasms and show our partners what we prefer. The current crop of teen and twenty-something women in America (and the world) are totally confused about orgasm, what it feels like, and how to have one. I believe a big part of this problem is due to pornography standing in for sex education and mankind’s need to control women’s sexual behavior. Meanwhile women expect sex to be similar to movies where the man gets on top and within a short period of time, he comes. We are viewing male orgasms nearly exclusively.
No wonder so many young women and men continue to believe that a penis inside a vagina should be enough for a woman to enjoy orgasm. And now that we have a G spot that proves it, yes? Well, no! Not exactly! Only a handful of women respond to G spot stimulation. However, all of the women's magazines and sex stores continue to promote the concept that there is a hot spot inside the vagina - if only we could find it and every woman liked it. While it's true that some women do enjoy G spot toys and they squirt from brisk stimulation on the ceiling of their vaginas or even with a vibrator held on their clitoris, most will agree that squirting is NOT the same as having an orgasm.
The clitoris is a woman's primary organ for pleasure. Secondary forms come from numerous different sources of direct, indirect, and mental stimulation. While a handful can get off with indirect clitoral contact, the rest of us will want the Combination Orgasm which is a more direct form of clitoral contact with vaginal penetration either with our partners or when we use a dildo. For every woman struggling to discover her orgasm, once it becomes an obsession, she will not enjoy the good feelings she has during partner sex. Beginners need to empty their minds of expectations and stay inside their bodies. Orgasms often start small but they will gradually grow stronger over time.
Sex toys are a blessing for human sexuality. They are not crutches, nor are they substitutes for anything and they are here to stay. So stop worrying about getting hooked on a vibrator and not being able to come using your fingers so HE can use his fingers and GIVE you an orgasm. That is such tired old romantic crap— its time everyone let it go. We need to realize that we are each responsible for our own orgasms. Believe me, if you ever got stranded on an island without electric current or a source for batteries, by the end of the year you would be coming by your own hand. Big deal!!!
Remember, sexual play and orgasms are not about proving he is a virile man or that that she is a sexy desirable woman. It doesn’t demonstrate how madly in love you are with each other either— it’s simply about adult play. So have fun!
